Why “Outness” Matters
National Coming Out Day is celebrated every year on October 11. I’m going to discuss why I think it’s important for LGBTQIA+ people to be out if we can…and why workplaces, families, and communities should welcome and appreciate those of us who are LGBTQIA+. And, in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, I’m going to illustrate this using my own story.
I’m Moxi (she/her). I’ve been working at Independence Blue Cross (IBX) since 2020. I’ve written several blogs on health inequities in the LGBTQIA+ population, among other topics. And I came out as transgender (trans) in my late 50s.
What Coming Out Is All About
In our society, we’re all taught from early on that:
People are either male or female, based on their anatomy.
Men are sexually/romantically attracted to women and vice versa.
Being male or female comes with a whole set of rules — from how we’re supposed to behave and dress to what rights we can have, what goals we should aspire to, and how much money we can expect to make.
These are our society’s expectations around sexual orientation and gender identity (SOGI). We learn these expectations from our families, places of worship, schools, TV shows, movies…they are everywhere.
For me, growing up, all that felt wrong. In my childhood make-believe, I was always a girl. Going through puberty, I hated all the ways my body was changing (and all the ways that it wasn’t). I was attracted to girls…but boys, too.
I kept all these thoughts and feelings secret for much of my lifetime, because people who were different paid a heavy price. But finally, I chose to come out. I acknowledged — to myself and others — that my SOGI is different from cultural norms, and I chose to live in a way that honors my authentic self.
Why Coming Out Can Be Hard
In my elementary, middle, and high schools, kids who didn’t match their assigned gender roles got called names, bullied, and beaten up. Many LGBTQIA+ kids still get rejected and disowned by their families. They still get bullied and harassed and attacked, sometimes fatally. Many of them commit suicide because they feel unwanted, and they feel like failures.
Likewise, many LGBTQIA+ adults still experience unemployment, underemployment, and poverty. They still get assaulted, battered, and murdered every year, and those hate crimes have gotten much more common recently. So coming out can be very risky.
Why Coming Out Matters
When you’re hiding who you are from the world, you don’t get to experience the joy of being yourself. You don’t get to breathe easy. You feel like you have a secret you must protect. You may despise yourself because you’ve internalized our culture’s hatred of those who are different. All this can lead to loneliness, isolation, depression, and anxiety.
Whether we’re in or out of the proverbial “closet,” LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to experience problems like chronic illness, behavioral health issues, smoking, alcoholism, and substance use. That’s all a consequence of the negative social determinants of health we experience, from fewer employment opportunities to an ongoing fear of violence.
But by coming out, we can begin to accept ourselves. It can feel like a weight off our shoulders. It can also allow us to find community with other LGBTQIA+ people so we don’t feel so alone.
Personally, I’ve felt much, much happier since I came out and transitioned. My body finally feels like the right one. I no longer have to pretend I’m someone I’m not. Everyone is now getting the real me.
But aside from getting to be my true self out in the world, there are more reasons why I think being out, proud, and visible matters:
It breaks the silence about LGBTQIA+ people’s existence and helps build acceptance.
It challenges our society’s narrative that everyone is cisgender and heterosexual (cis-het).
It provides more positive role models and helps give closeted individuals hope of being able to come out someday.
Not everyone can come out safely. People need to use their best judgment. I’m taking a risk just by sharing my story on this public platform. But because I’m able to be out, I feel a responsibility to try to make coming out safer for others.
Why Being Welcomed Matters
A few years ago, I worked for a small marketing company that was very homogenous — very white, very cis-het, very “normal.” I wouldn’t have dreamt of coming out there.
But even though I stayed closeted, it didn’t seem to matter. I felt like they knew. I never felt accepted or appreciated. I didn’t feel motivated to do my best.
At IBX, it’s been the exact opposite. I’ve experienced no workplace discrimination. I was out to my coworkers from the very beginning, and no one ever batted an eye.
People use my preferred pronouns when referring to me. I wear clothes and jewelry that match my gender identity. I use the women’s rest room and no one looks at me funny. I feel appreciated for everything that makes me me, including the fact that I’m trans.
The fact that IBX welcomes diversity, including SOGI diversity, means that a wider range of people can get hired here. It means LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to stay. We’re more likely to be happy and productive. We’re more likely to be loyal and give the company our best effort every day.
And that’s the way it ought to be — for everyone, everywhere, regardless of their identity — at work, at home, and out in the community.
Many people claim that LGBTQIA+ folks pose some sort of a threat. But we aren’t doing any harm. Our SOGI is just one more aspect of who we are, like our eye color and personality.
And LGBTQIA+ people have made incalculable contributions to our world, from the sciences to athletics, literature, entertainment, and politics.
So letting us be ourselves, and appreciating us for who we are, makes life better for everyone.
