Surprising Things Your Health Insurance Will Not Cover – The Onion
In the American healthcare system, it’s probably best to expect to pay out of pocket for 100% of your medical procedures. Here are several surprising things that your health insurance absolutely will not cover.
Cancer Implantation
While most cancer treatments are at least partially covered, surgery to graft a tumor to one or more organs will almost always be out of pocket.
Lightning Injuries
Insurance companies firmly believe that they cannot and shall not undo God’s will.
Third Trip To ER After Putting Genitals In A Mouse Trap
Third Trip To ER After Putting Genitals In A Mouse Trap
Okay, actually, the insurance company has a point here.
Cybernetic Weapon Enhancements
Cybernetic Weapon Enhancements
Most insurance companies won’t cover a bionic flamethrower limb attachment unless deemed a medical necessity by your primary provider.
Adding Nipples Where They Don’t Belong
Adding Nipples Where They Don’t Belong
No harm in asking them repeatedly to cover it.
Trips To The Cape
Nothing soothes the weary soul like an escape to the southeastern corner of mainland Massachusetts, but alas, such expenses will need to be paid out of pocket.
A Subscription To Highlights Magazine
A Subscription To Highlights Magazine
It’s free to read in the waiting room but if you want to enjoy it in the comfort of your own home, it’s going to cost you.
A Gun
Contrary to popular opinion, guns are not healthcare.
Johnny Knoxville Driving An ATV Into Your Asshole
Johnny Knoxville Driving An ATV Into Your Asshole
Liability for all injuries sustained by members of the Jackass crew lies with Dick House Productions.
Taxidermy Tumors
Commemorating your noble battle against cancer can cost thousands, and you can’t count on your insurance to assist you.
The Birth Of Satan’s Son
The Birth Of Satan’s Son
Insurance companies are required to cover fertility tests, pregnancy, and childbirth, but this coverage does not apply to those who were impregnated with Satan’s seed.
Soup
Even though a great big bowl of Nana’s chicken noodle is what you need, insurance will not cover the out-of-pocket cost of $13,988.27.
The Psychic Who Warned You Of A Grave And Mysterious Illness That Will Decimate Your Future
The Psychic Who Warned You Of A Grave And Mysterious Illness That Will Decimate Your Future
Specialists are out of network.
Ugly Cream
Think how beautiful you would be if only insurance would cover this lotion that rubs the ugly away.
Fertility Treatments
Even those few states that do mandate fertility treatment coverage require a meeting with a counselor who will shame you for putting off kids until you are in your 40s.
The Second Twin
The second of the two babies to emerge from their mother is considered an out-of-network expense and must be paid for in cash.
Mark Of The Beast Removal
Mark Of The Beast Removal
It may be the only way to redeem the soul of your innocent child, but it’s still considered a purely cosmetic procedure.
Rides Inside Of The Ambulance
Rides Inside Of The Ambulance
Many people are relegated to riding on the roof, in which case your insurance will likely pay half.
Hiccup Removal
Most insurance companies will try to give you some excuse for why they won’t cover the procedure like, “It doesn’t exist.”
Dental
They pay for the bones on the inside. Outside Bones? That’s your problem.
Pancreatic Cancer
Health insurance companies don’t really feel like covering this anymore.
Doctors Visits
The bedrock of medical care in most advanced nations, most insurances only cover the fees for waiting in the waiting room of the doctors office.
