Airlines Would Save So Much More Money If We Weren't All So Fat

Airlines such as American, Delta and United all make billions of dollars every year, but like other companies, they would like to make even more money than they already do. Unfortunately for them, there’s one big problem standing in their way — Americans are just too darn fat. The good news is, if we all start taking expensive new drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy, we might be able to do our part to ensure every flight we take is even more profitable for the airlines.

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Yes, because we live in a late-capitalist hellscape, Business Insider is already talking about how weight loss drugs could be a boon for airlines. And apparently, we’re talking some pretty big numbers here. One analyst quoted in the article estimated that if United’s passengers all lost 10 pounds, the airline would use 27.6 million fewer gallons of fuel each year, which would increase profits by about $80 million. That’s not exactly a billion dollars, but it’s still nothing to turn sneeze at.

Sure, we all have our own problems to worry about, including mental health and body image issues, but can’t we also worry about the airlines’ profits too? In fact, you might even say we all have a duty to slim down to make sure corporate executives get even bigger bonuses as waistlines drop and profits soar. It’s good for us. It’s good for capitalism. Really, the question should be why we aren’t already all taking Ozempic for the good of a business’s bottom line.

Well, unfortunately for Delta CEO Ed Bastian, most people aren’t millionaires. If you can’t get your insurance to cover your prescription, Ozempic will cost you nearly $1,000 a month. And even if you have insurance, there’s no guarantee that it will actually be covered. Your doctor may think it’s a good idea for you to take it, but if the insurance company doesn’t agree, then you’re shit out of luck regardless of what your doctor says. And that’s the beauty of free market capitalism.

That said, I do have a suggestion. If the airlines want skinnier passengers, they should simply pay for everyone’s Ozempic prescriptions. I know I’ve got about 40 pounds that I’d like to lose, and if Delta’s willing to foot the bill, then hell yeah, I’d be willing to take those fancy weight loss drugs. That sounds way easier than actually going to the gym and reducing the amount of fried chicken I eat. So what do you say, Ed? Are you going to subsidize my weight loss? It’ll save you money in the long run if you do, and isn’t that really what matters most?